Today is our primary program. One day a year in our church the children help put on the church services – singing songs and sharing what they have learned that year. I am the children’s choir director and we have been preparing for this day all year. The kids will be fabulous! (And we’ll all be glad when it’s over.)
This year my 8-year-old is going to get up and confidently say his part with no hesitation, “When I repent I can be forgiven”. It wasn’t always that way.
Anxiety in children is a common struggle.
Two Years Ago
My son, age six at the time, when faced with being in the primary program hid behind the railing and did not sing or say his part. He crawled down to us on his hands and knees to get away from the expectations and stress of the situation. We took Kyran to a counselor and he was diagnosed with “undefined anxiety disorders”.
One year later
It was time for the primary program once again. A nervous but much calmer Kyran said his part and sang the songs.
What made the difference?
Time, experience, and maturity played a part, however, much of his progress I attribute to a fun idea from my sweet sister, Sarah.
Sarah has a wonderful son who this last year received his associate’s degree from college. That same week he also graduated from high school. Amazing young man? Yes!
He has a great smile, talks confidently with people of all ages, and has a super sharp mind. You would never know that as a youngster he struggled with selective mutism. That smart boy did not talk to anyone at school. He did not say a word when friends would come over to play. His voice was only heard by family members.
When he started school, Sarah tried to be as supportive as possible. That included sitting with her son and a teacher in a small room after class every time there was a test. The teacher would ask questions and Sarah’s son would whisper the answers to her. This way the teacher would know he knew the answers.
What could Sarah do?
The Idea
Sarah created a game for her son. They set goals for him to accomplish and a big reward to earn. Sarah made sure to include goals she knew he could do right now… such as call grandma and talk to her on the phone. Then she dreamed up increasingly hard goals leading all the way to end goals that would have him right on track with where he should be. A gameboard was made and off he went.
This game was perfect because Sarah’s son was able to challenge himself. He wanted that prize. He knew what came next. If he didn’t accomplish a goal he was only disappointing himself. The outside pressure was taken off and he could work on the goals in his own timeframe. It took about a year but Sarah and her son celebrated his final win with a trip to a local water park.
Our Version
I decided to adapt this game for my son. I wanted Kyran to be able to work on any goal he chose so our game looked more like a bingo card. We picked some goals we knew he could do right away. These included taking a turn repeating a scripture during family scripture study and taking cookies to a neighbor. Kyran a chance to experience immediate success, feelings of accomplishment, and motivation.
We then chose increasingly harder goals. Say a prayer or give a presentation to the family. Share a scripture or say a prayer at church. Give a talk in primary or sing a group song with the primary kids at church. The big final goal was to participate in the yearly primary program. To finish off the game he would say his talking part and sing the songs.
I wanted Kyran to keep feeling the sense of accomplishment, all along the way. We decided he would get a prize for every 4 goals he filled in. I had Kyran choose his own prizes and we made a list. Pick out a Redbox movie to watch with the family, go with a parent to get a milkshake, pick out a treat at the store… Then Kyran chose his big prize. He wanted a Paw Patrol blanket – a BIG soft fuzzy Paw Patrol blanket.
Let the game begin
It took Kyran about a year to finish all the goals on his chart, and it was not without hiccups. There were times when Kyran would back out at the last minute, due to anxiety, but because of the game he knew what he was aiming for and we knew he was making progress. There was encouragement and excitement instead of dejection and disappointment.
Leading up to the primary program last year we talked often about how he would talk and sing happily and do a great job. I also let Kyran know he was loved and would be just fine if he did not reach his goal that day. Kyran picked a treat to share with the family after the program and we hoped it would be to celebrate a job well done. That Sunday it was a momentous milestone for Kyran as he sang in the primary program and shared his speaking part. His smile when it was over was ginormous.
I was so proud of Kyran and all he had accomplished.
There is a quote I love by Richard G. Scott, “Our Heavenly Father did not put us on Earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously.” Every one of our kids can do just that – succeed gloriously! As their parents, we get to lift and love and cheer them along the way.
Kyran with his BIG, soft, fuzzy Paw Patrol blanket.
